So today’s post probably won’t have any lessons learned out of it; no words of wisdom… This is more of a “holy crap what happened last night and what is the universe trying to tell me?” kinda post. More so, I just felt the need to get the words out of my head.
Yesterday would have been the 19th anniversary of my marriage to Iris; if it hadn’t ended… mostly by my part because of my infidelity (yes, there’s always fault on both sides, but I broke the camel’s back. Especially the second time, as it was more emotional than sexual (more clues for my later self analysis and introspection and more confirmation that I was poly)). Now I didn’t confess that for nothing; it is integral to the story that I’m telling.
So let’s get back to it… For the most part now, Iris and I have a better relationship than most people have with their Xs; but it wasn’t an easy road to get here. Lately, we try to spend time here and there to have a drink, talk about stuff; mainly the kids, sometimes about the past, and most of time, what is going on in our lives and helping each other out with a different perspective as when used to when we were married. That is a great thing to have, no matter with whom.
But every year, our anniversary weighs heavy on our hearts (at least mine; and I get the impression it does for her as well). This year I was determined not to let the past weigh so heavily on me. This time, I decide I should spend it with someone I care about that is in the present; so I asked Darla to spend the evening with me. (Now, I’m not just saying this because I know Darla will read this post, but Darla is pretty amazing and I’m very happy to have her in my life and grateful this amazing woman also chooses to spend time with me.) The plan was to take advantage of the time to test the her intercom system that I had to reset with mine and I could do a run of the motorcycle to make sure the repairs I did over the past few days were truly successful.
That evening, we take a ride to a neighboring city’s downtown park as I want to pick up a Pokemon Go Field Research task from a stop in the park (don’t judge; it’s still a fun game and it keeps me out and about 🙂 ). Once there and the task picked up, Darla and I take advantage being there to walk the park and enjoy the beautiful cooler evening. After a bit, we end up at the front of the park and Darla steps ahead to stop and read up on a historical object on display. Standing there waiting for her, I look up from playing PoGo and see a very familiar woman on the phone walking her dog. As she walks past, our eyes meet and there is the briefest flicker of recognition.
Holy Shit. It is her! WTF?! What is she doing here walking her dog like she lives here and does this every night and not at home in a neighboring city with her husband? Why would the universe have me cross paths with someone I have not seen in over 5 years (nor have I wanted to) and was not only instrumental in contributing to the death of my marriage, but also worked at destroying Iris to the point of making her question her sanity? & why on this day; which would have been the anniversary?!
By this time I’m visibly shaken. I always imagined this day would come, but I never really knew how I would feel or what I would want to do. So many conflicting feelings and memories are coursing through me, but thankfully I can look over and see Darla just a bit away and I can ground myself in the present. Suddenly, it’s clear that I can let that past stay back there. Am I still shaken and somewhat in a daze? Sure. But I’m grounded. I can walk over, reach for Darla; hug, kiss and feel intimacy and comfort from her in this present.
Of course I tell Darla what happened. And as a testament to how awesome she is, she listens and we discuss with no judgment, anger or jealousy. I on the other hand am still trying to reconcile that of all days, in a metropolitan area of millions of people, our paths crossed again.
…and the past continued to walk away with her dog; still talking on the phone.
Epilogue:
I don’t believe in fate per se. After a couple of quick Facebook searches, I’m was able to determine that she and her husband have separated. So it makes sense (to the logical and reasoning mind that I am and with the information I know) that she would now live somewhere next to the train station that takes her to work. And apparently she kept the dog; So if she’s living in one of the many apartments nearby, she would need to walk the dog regularly; and how convenient living somewhere with a park across the street. So OK, my mind is feeling better now, but it is still a hell of a coincidence that Darla and I ended up there when she would walk the dog. One of the things I told Darla about, was how this woman manipulated Iris. myself (I’m not saying I was a victim, just that I made some very bad choices because of it), and our friend circle and almost succeeded in driving Iris literally crazy so she could replace her as my partner and mother to our kids!
This is why I needed to get these words out of my head and into this blog. While I’m sure there’s still a part of my heart that remembers and yearns the emotional intensity we had; the other part that’s broken and my head will always want this reminder that in this case, there is no going back. This particular past needs to stay there for I have an amazing present.
OMC